#350 - Yey!

Well I think my computer is back to normal... maybe even better than it was before! :) YEY! I am way behind on my course though! Oh well it will have to wait until Monday! I am going Scrapbookin this weekend! A retreat, no mother, no kids, and the food is prepared for you! Woot Woot! (Although I must admit I will miss the kiddos!) I am going with friends, but I may take some headphones to listen to music... just call me anti-social. Well I am there to WORK and get some albums caught up!

So my job for tomorrow is to finish packing (funny I have pretty much all the scrappy stuff done... now for my clothes, toothbrush etc! :) )

I head out tomorrow afternoon!

Can't wait to get there!

#349 - Arrrgg... computers

Well in trying to do something to fix something else I totally messed up my computer... I have spent most of the afternoon trying to fix it! Arrrggg!

Seriously cutting into my work time! What a mess! Wish me luck!

Frickin frackin computers! I can seriously mash up anyone I touch! There is no software safe from crashing HARD when I am around!

KIDDO NOTES

I have a grumpy girl! I think she likes being two. She is going through the 'howling' stage. You know when they just squawk for no reason, only she pretty much does it all day! :) Oh ya and her dad thinks it's funny that when we ask if she is Mom's girl she says "NO - Dad's girl!" Rotten Child. :)

I am impressed at the deductive reasoning that Boy1 has. I am not sure if it is normal at this age, but it shocks me how he can put things together. I had a stack of DVD's (that my computer won't read... arg!) sitting beside my computer. My son says are these DVD's (We don't really watch or talk about DVD's around here so I am not really sure when he figured that one out). Then he asked me if they were for my computer or the TV? Seriously maybe we do have one smart one here! LOL

Ohh that Boy1... what is it with boys and 'adjusting' their man parts? Drives me insane. Well Boy1 was doing an adjustment today and I asked him if something was wrong. Well I got an answer... he said "My willie is stuck to my leg". I told him if he needed to adjust things that he should do it in the bathroom, no one wants to watch him adjust. I wonder if there is any hope... I am thinking not, but a mom's gotta try right? :)

Boy2 is just my hanging around guy... he loves to be sitting beside me. Unless of course Dad is home!

Off I go to fight with my computer

# of days since Mom has spoken to me: (I am just interested in how long this lasts!)
1

#348 - Relief

I never thought that my parents not wanting anything to do with me (well that's my interpretation anyway) would make me feel such a sense of peace and relief. Like I said I barely said anything to my Dad but I am just glad to be done with it for now. I know they don't accept any responsibility in all this and I just don't care anymore. I used to worry about this day all the time who knew it would be a sense of relief instead of more pain?

I know the cycle is going to stop with me. But I am so worried about the future. I don't know what it's like to be in a healthy family. It is possible right? It is possible to bring up well adjusted kids that possibly will not hate their parents right? Can you tell I am terrified of what lies ahead?

In the mean time I am enjoying the peace I am quite sure my mother can't leave it this way so who knows what will happen next. Well now she has something to tell everyone and harp on the whole Poor Me thing so I am sure she will be in her glory for the foreseeable future. Me, I am going to enjoy life and my kids and not having to put up with her constant drama... maybe I can heal up some of the deep wounds too.

So now it's on to packing for my Scrapbooking Retreat this weekend. I was thinking that I was going to feel sh*tty for a long time but the relief is such a welcome emotion. Now I am somewhat sad but I know I couldn't fix anything anyway... so on to my retreat (Oh ya and some re-work on the next class I am teaching!)

#347 - Yet another lovely day around here...

Well I think my parents have disowned me... why because I spoke up for myself. No more pushing me around and making me feel guilty for what they have done. I guess they don't like that. They think I tell everyone all sorts of 'bad' stuff about them and they 'hear' stuff all the time. Hmmm I think I talk about my kids all the time because ya know what Mom you are NOT the center of my universe my family is. Maybe if people from all over the place are tell you the same thing you should take a look at yourself??

I told my father that I am getting sick and tired of being blamed for what other people say. He told me it was too personal that I must have told these supposed 'people' 'things'. I of course have no freaking idea. My mother tends to bend reality and I am not even privy to the details so I cannot stick up for myself anyway. I said if I have said anything I am not apologizing for it because I was hurt. (Apparently their actions are all perfect I guess.)

I told him that based on what he has said he has no idea who I am (and obviously given that he was never around he has no idea what that woman has put me through). Not that they think they ever have done anything wrong. It just me I am the bad one cause I have said 'stuff' to people.

Hmm we never saw my dad's family because Mom had issues with his sister and his step mom (granted she was a little on the different side.)???

My kids deserve more, I deserve more and unless they can take responsibility for their own actions I am done with the crap. If they choose to not be in our lives it is there loss, all I know is the first time in my life I feel free. The thing is I didn't even say one eight of how I feel I only touched on a very few things. Maybe now there can be some peace because life is pretty good until she is around or calling.

Thanks for the support... you gals are the best and that's why I keep on blogging!

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
- my kiddos.
- my hubby, he is there for me when the going gets rough

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD
- the fact that parents think it's ok to treat me the way they have and do
- the only grandparents that can stand me are a 5,000 miles away.
- some day my kids are going to ask me why we don't go to grandma and grandpas anymore

#346 -from bad to worse!

Well I thought I better call my mother today! I guess I am truly a sucker for punnishment! Well Dad answered as Mom was to upset. So all of a sunddenit went from something one of my friends said to things people have said aout them. That apparently I must have said to someone.

My Dad told me that I was not to talk to anyone about our family issues. (but it's ok for them to tell anyone that will listen that we went through IVF, among other things)

Oh yes and they are afraid to say anything because we may not let them see the kids. Again probably one of moms rantings that I am getting blamed for.

I am just feeling empty inside, I am beyond hurt, and I know that nothing I say will do anything but make the situation worse. Oh yes and I was reminded of everyting that they did for me growing up( I didn't know buying stuff classed one as a good parent).

They always twist things around and make me feel like it's all my fault. I was shaking inside most of the day. I feel like the most horrible daughter ever. I wish I was never born into that family because the pain just keeps getting worse. I feel like a pics of me has been damaged beyond repair.

How do you walk away from your family? Enough is enough I can't take the fact that I get blamed for everything anymore. They are like a cancer that is eating my insides, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Why do I feel guilty about hating my parents?

I am so hurt and confused I just don't even want to deal with it.....

#345 - :(

Well so much for my good day scrapbooking. Crazy Lady (aka My mother) decided to come out (at the last minute as per usual) so I made a spot for her. Well I guess she wasn't the center of attention so she had to do something about it. After lunch we were all talking about stuff and I just casually mentioned about Christmas. I said we are probably going to skip her sisters this year (due to feeling like we were invisible the last TWO family occasions). I never said anything nasty. Then a friend of mine said that I should do what I wanted. Well Crazy Lady flipped out... she says "Well I guess we should just stay at home then".... hmm no one said anything about you woman. She makes things up in her little brain all the time. I said "no one said that". Then there was nothing. Then about 10 minutes later she starts crying, gets up and says " I am going home". We were all kind of looking around like what the heck just happened there. She says "I came here to enjoy myself, not get stressed". WTF?

That woman needs to get out of the house more, she is getting more messed up every time I see her. I figure she is just jealous that I have friends. That's been her M.O. my entire life. Anytime I had a good friend she would do something to make me think that person was mean/didn't like her... etc. But I am onto her sh*t now so I don't let it destroy my friendships.

I am sick to f*cking death of her drama. She seriously needs to be medicated or something? The worst part is my Dad buys her pile of crap!

I have been feeling ill all afternoon because I know I am going to 'get it'. I am sure she will be pissed I didn't call her tonight. I just don't want to deal with her crap anymore!

The worst part is that frigging woman is SO bent on not upsetting the apple cart with her sister that I come Dead last after that entire family and their friends. Some day she is going to regret all the bridges she has burned with her own immediate family!

Now I am just upset that she ruined the freaking day. I was really enjoying my friends. :(

That woman has taken more from me than she has ever given and for that I will never forgive her.

KIDDO NOTES

At least I got to rock my daughter before bed tonight.... I hope that I never do anything to make her feel like my mother makes me feel.

#345-I really should be in bed!

So what does a good blogger do when they have not posted yet today and they really should be in bed? Why blog of course!

I have a bunch of people coming over to scrapbook tomorrow and I had to make a sample to show them how to make something. So intead of going to bed afterwork what am I doing. Coming up with an idea of course!!! Good thing I am feeling a little more energetic these days.

KIDDO NOTES

Boy1 is continuing to test my/the limits! How far can I go before mom busts a vessel! The worst part is the little bugger wakes me up about 5 times a night, and as of last night he talks in his sleep!

Poor Boy2 wakes up everyday saying "Mom Boy1 woke me up again". Poor kid!

Personally I am not sure how I have any energy right now I am lucky if I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep!

I missed my rocking in the chair tonight with Baby. :(. Sometimes working in the evening really stinks!

Tomorrow is scrapbooking, sunday card making! Do you think hubby will survive?

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